Out Loud
by AlyssaFelixa
Summary: It sucks to be me.
1. Useless

This little ficcie came to be by request of rosypen, as a carry-on to my one-shot Say It – you can check that one out too, or this can stand alone. I should probably mention, anyone who is upset by swearing, anger, abuse or depression should stop reading now, I have no idea yet how bad my ugly little mind can be.

Just remember I do lighter stuff too.

**Disclaimer: Just like everyone else on here, I don't own them. I'd fear for the world if I did.**

…**Because the Joker is the card that everyone leaves out…**

"MIKEY!"

My eyes shot open. So much for my wonderful dream about going into space – Raph was angry, and as per usual, nothing else mattered. What's the most fun you've had in ages against another wondrous day of getting yelled at?

I rolled out of bed and headed to the kitchen. Raph was standing by the table, beer in hand, angry face on. To be honest, I can't remember the last time I saw him take it off. "Yer supposed to be makin' breakfast, remember?"

"Aye-aye, cap'n."

"Shut it." Raph made his way to the TV while I opened the fridge. I heard the sound of some wrestling show blaring away. I would've loved to watch, but I had to cook.

There was a short pause. I rifled through our cupboards. Raph shouted insults at one of the wrestlers. Klunk wandered in, and then wandered out again when he realised no-one was going to feed him. The short pause morphed into a long silence.

"How 'bout pancakes?"  
"Whatever."

The gap in the conversation yawned. I shifted awkwardly.

"Or I could do cheese toasties or something." I switched my voice to Tease mode. "Or I could do little toast soldiers for the captain."

Something heavy smashed into the wall a foot from my head. "Ha! You missed!"

"Next time I won't."

"Aw, come on. Why do I have to cook?"

"Because you're the only one who _can _cook."

I held my breath. Was that an actual compliment?

"I mean, Don can't deal with stuff that doesn't have wires comin' out, Leo's allergic to microwaves, and me…" Raph waved the arm that held the beer, sloshing evil-smelling brown liquid over the sofa. Guess who was going to have clear that up? It starts with M and it rhymes with spiky. "I just can't be arsed."

I sighed. For one second there, I had actually believed he was being nice to me. My mistake.

"_Plus _it's the only thing you're good at."

I nearly threw a frying pan at his head. Rage gushed up inside me like thick, black bile, but I forced it down, and cranked my Tease mode up to eleven. "No dude, you _need _me."  
"Do not."  
"Do so. Admit it, if anything happened to me, you'd be lost. Nobody to cook you breakfast, nobody to beat you at videogames, nobody to fix your mirror…"  
"My _mirror?"_

"Yeah! I mean, it breaks every time you look at it."

"Fuck off. We don't need you." Raph lifted the bottle to his mouth, realised it was empty, and threw it at my head. I ducked. "Clean that up, would ya?"

I sloped over to a cupboard, grabbed a dustpan and brush, and started sweeping up the shattered remnants of Raph's beer bottle.

"If you were dead, things would be a helluva lot easier around here." Raph called over my shoulder, and turned back to the TV.

I bent over the shards of glass, and then gasped at the stabbing pain in my foot. Lifting my leg up, I saw an inch-long sliver of glass sticking out of my heel. Droplets of dark blood slowly slithered down its length, to splash onto the cold floor. "Believe me, dude," I muttered under my breath, "It'd be easier for me, too."

You were warned… More reviews equal faster updates. Flames equal me and my friends sending you hateful PMs for a week.


	2. Stupid

…**Because the Joker is the card that is tossed aside…**

"And the question on everyone's mind is "What has happened to the Nightwatcher?"" The reporter puckered his suspiciously wrinkle-free brow and gave a smile that only comes from a ludicrously fat paycheck. "Has New York's most controversial crime fighter finally given up – or has he been _beaten_ up?"

"WHAT?" Raph started choking on his slice of pizza. I banged him on the shell, but he turned round and growled a quick "Get off" before turning back to the smug newsreader.

"An eyewitness claims to have seen the Nightwatcher being beaten by an unknown green man." A pimply teenager appeared on the screen. "The guy was freakin' _green, _y'know? And then he knocked off the Nightwatcher's helmet and-

The sound cut out. Raph clutched at the remote with a wild look in his eyes as the boy on the screen made increasingly extravagant, but totally silent, hand gestures.

"Mikey, get out."

"Aw come on dude, I was watching that!"

"I SAID GET OUT!"

"Going, going." I hopped over the sofa, limping on my bandaged foot. Raph still hadn't realised that I knew who the Nightwatcher was – not that I was gonna say anything, of course. It was just too much fun watching him squirm. I noticed that Don hadn't come down for his share of pizza. He hadn't eaten anything this morning, either. I _told _Leo it was a bad idea to let him have a coffee machine is his room, but did he listen?

A faint whirring noise was coming from Don's room. I knocked on the door and waited. After about a minute, I knocked again. After a couple more knocks, and a yell of "Don! Lemme in!" I pushed the door open, and peered into the dingy mess of wires and circuitry.

"MIKEY!" I jumped as a very angry-looking turtle reared up from Don's worktable, armed with a USB and a face like thunder. "I was _this close _to hacking into Area 51! _THIS CLOSE! _That "Do Not Disturb" sign is there for a reason!"

I looked back at the empty doorway. "What, on the floor?" I said, pointing at where the notice had fallen.

Don's face went through a number of weird expressions in varying degrees of rage. "That's not the point! Do you have any idea how important this is? What they could be keeping there?"

I couldn't resist it.

"Elvis?"

"No… Mikey, I know this is hard for you to understand, but please concentrate." Don's expression took on a pained air. I sighed mentally. Being yelled at is one thing, being patronised is another. "This is really, really important, okay? I can't stop for anything – not you, not whatever amazing thing you've seen on TV, not-

"Food?" I brought my hands out from behind my shell, revealing a plate of re-heated pizza. "Come on bro, I know you haven't eaten all day."

"I've had coffee."

"Doesn't count." I waved the pizza under his nose. "It's your favourite…"

"I've got work to do."

"It'll only take a minute!" I leaned on a square metal thing. The square metal thing bleeped in protest, and started flashing little red lights at me. "Oops."

"My deregulator!" Don shoved me aside, and started working at the top of the square metal thing with a screwdriver.

"Er… sorry?"  
"Just get out."

"Fine." I left the plate on Don's desk and crept out, stopping at the door to replace the "Do Not Disturb" sign. I looked back at Don. He was still working on his square metal thing, which was now spitting out sparks. "And bro… I really am sorry."

Don just grunted at me.

I looked at my feet. Big clumsy feet, that kept knocking everything. "Sorry I even exist."

**Christmas is the time for giving… Make my day, give a review!**


	3. Annoying

Wow. Judging by the reviews, you guys seem to like this fic, though I can't fathom why. For the record, I do have an actual plot to this, after a few more random cases of depression… but I'm improvising a lot of this, any plot bunnies thrown at me are unbelievably welcome.

**Sorry it's taking a while to update, I'm busy with Christmas, and it's hard to get into the right moody mindset with tinsel everywhere I look.**

…**Because the Joker is the card that you can't use…**

On the screen, an anime version of Horton narrowed his eyes. "I see you have mastered the way of the snapping branch."

I laughed. Say what you like about Dr. Seuss, he knows how to make a guy laugh.

Leo looked up from behind whatever it was he was reading. "Lame."

I spun around. "Is not!"

"Is. They realised they had no plot, so they used a minute of poorly dubbed anime as filler to amuse a bunch of kids, and a minority of teenagers who should really know better."

"That's the point!"

"Whatever." Leo returned to his book. I glanced at the front cover. **The Art of Bushido. **_Yeah, 'cause that's more worthwhile than CGI._

Raph stalked into the room for another beer. Ever since that news story about the Nightwatcher, he'd turned his grumpy mode up to eleven. Three guesses why.

Leo looked up again. "Hey Mikey, turn the news on. I want to hear more about the Nightwatcher getting beaten."

Raph ignored him. I wondered how long he would last.

"No way dude, I'm watching this."

"It's childish."  
"I don't care."  
"_You're_ childish. Just like the Nightwatcher and his stupid violence sprees."

Raph's fingers curled around his beer can until, with an unpleasant crack, it burst, spurting booze all over him. He threw it aside and got another. Leo smirked.

I watched them, the dark fire in my chest curled into resigned knots. I wasn't the childish one around here – and unless I took some crap to lighten the mood, they'd be throwing chairs at each other before Horton even met Vlad.

"I bet the Nightwatcher's gonna have a big comeback." I blurted. "That's what all the superheroes do."

Leo laughed. "I wouldn't bet on it, little brother." He said.

Raph glared at him… and then sighed. "Life ain't a movie, shell-for-brains."

My internal gears ground. Those shits… When I could've ratted on them any time… Suddenly I had an idea for some fun.

"You know what," I said, acting as though I hadn't been listening, "I bet there's some kinda twist… Like, I dunno, he went to another planet to fight aliens…" I smiled blithely into space, then went in for the kill. "Oooh! Or maybe the dude he was fighting was his evil twin or something!"

The results were spectacular. Raph jumped higher than the time I'd told him there was a bug on his shell, and choked on his beer. Leo tried to stand up, caught a leg in his chair, and fell onto the table with a _thud_. Idiots.

I snickered, still acting the part of the oblivious baby turtle. "You guys are so weird." I chortled. "If you need the wondrous _moi, _I'll be sewer-skating." I grabbed my board and headed out, pausing behind my bedroom door. Now for the fun part.

"Do you think he knows?" Leo whispered.

"No way." Muttered Raph. I heard the _thunk_ of his beer can hitting the wall. "He woulda blabbed. You know Mikey." He stuck his head through the doorway. I stuck my tongue out, invisible in the dark. "Trust me, shell-head," he called into down the sewer tunnel, "We won't need ya." He retreated back to the kitchen.

I stood there, blending in perfectly with my dark surroundings. They suited me. "I know you won't, bro," I breathed, my words inaudible under Raph and Leo finding something else to argue about, "I know better than anyone."

**On the second day of Christmas, you gave me a review…**


	4. Weak

I hope you guys all had a great Christmas and New Year. I managed to survive Boxing Day without getting any bruises – my family traditionally have a hockey match on that day, and it often gets nasty. And I mean nasty. My cousin's fiancée almost broke the shin of his future mother-in-law. Bad idea.

…**Because the Joker is the weakest card…**

_Swoosh. Klang. Swoosh. THUD._

"OW!" Sprawled on the floor, I rubbed my smarting upper arm where Leo had kicked me. Raph laughed from the sidelines. Don tutted.

Leo lifted his Katana from my throat and bowed, smirking. "I win again, little brother."

I hid my scowl behind a wince. Arrogant bastard. He'd kicked me on the exact same spot last time we'd sparred… and the time before that… and the time before that. The bruises got worse each time. He wasn't even that good, considering how he always used the same move. I'd worked out how to beat him, too – but my foot was still bandaged from the broken glass this morning, and I couldn't really stand on it, much less jump and perform a mid-air kick to the idiot's head. Nobody had noticed, of course.

"Too hesitant, Michelangelo." I scrambled into a bow as Splinter stepped out of the shadows. I hate it when he does that, it's creepy. And pretentious. I swear the dude thinks he's Yoda. "In battle, your opponent will use any opportunity to defeat you. You cannot allow them to do so."

Well, thanks for pointing out the obvious, _sensei._ I guarantee I'd be a lot more upset by my getting killed than you would. I mean, I'd actually _notice_, for a start.

"Sorry, sensei." Why the shell am I apologizing? It's my scaly arse on the line if I slip up – and my busted foot _making _me screw up.

"Donatello, spar with Raphael." I trudged off the mat and flopped down beside it to watch, still rubbing my sore arm. Maybe watching one of my bros get his shell kicked might make up for getting told off. Maybe.

And the truth was – it did. Not in a vengeful way, more that despite everything, it's kinda fun being a part of my family. Don kept winding Raph up with all these complicated words to make him get mad and lose focus, and then dodging his attacks and using his bo to trip him up. Let me tell you, Raph loves throwing his weight around – my bruises are proof – and he gets _reeealy_ angry when he can't reach the target. It's hilarious whether it's me he's trying to pound, or someone else (it's usually me). Even "fearless leader" and Splinter looked impressed. I started feeling pretty good.

Then, just when Don had almost beaten Raph, I opened my big, stupid mouth and said, "Hey dude, is it bad if I spilled water on your computer?"

Don's eyes widened, and instead of finishing Raph with a good kick like he'd been about to, he looked at me. Raph, spotting the opportunity, snapped a leg out, and knocked Don's feet out from under him, and he crashed to the floor. KO-ed. Don's face was _priceless, _I haven't seen anything so funny since I superglued the tails of Raph's mask to the table. I cracked up laughing.

Right until I looked up and saw everyone glaring at me. And I mean _glaring. _Total death stares.

Happy feelings gone.

**My New Year's resolution: get reviews!**


	5. Solo

**Eh… Sorry. I know I'm taking too long to update, I'm just snowed under with pointless homework. I mean seriously, when will I ever need to know what rhythmic devices Shakespeare used? Even HE didn't know!**

**...Because the Joker is a solitary card…**

_Whoosh. Thud. Whoosh. Thu-_

"Whoa!"

_-THUMP._

"Owww…"

I picked myself up off the floor, rubbing my sore arm gingerly. Déjà vu or what, right? After I made Don slip up like that, Splinter made me stay here and do katas for two hours. I missed 3 of my shows!

I don't get it. If anything, I did us all a favour. Raph was about to get his shell kicked, and every time that happens, he breaks something. Usually the TV. And then Don's mad 'cause he has to fix the TV, and Sensei's mad 'cause he can't watch his "stories", and Leo's mad because he's always mad at Raph.

So I made a little joke to defuse the situation. Okay, that wasn't the reason I was doing it – Don's face was too hilarious for words – but still. I turned a potentially crappy afternoon into a very crappy afternoon. For me. I could at least get a "nice one, Mikey." Or someone could've saved me a slice of pizza.

That's right. They ate without me. I could hear them in the kitchen. Raph said something – I couldn't make out much of what he was saying, but I think I heard the word "jackass". Everyone laughed. Three guesses who they were talking about.

I edged closer to the open doorway, peeking through. They were all sitting at the table, munching on pizza. My mouth watered. Why did it have to be pepperoni?!?

Leo said something and Don nodded. Some of his words were lost in the echoing corridor, but I heard enough; "…childish…be more responsible…"

That hurt. It's one thing to have crap said to your face, another to hear it behind your back. What the shell happened to honour? He talks about it enough.

But the weird thing was though, looking at them, they seemed… happy. Way happier than usual. Normally you can't put Raph and Leo in the same room for five minutes without something getting broken, but now they were talking and laughing and punching each other on the shoulder… I mean in a _good_ way. Even Splinter's ears were perked up. That always happens when he's happy, he gets all embarrassed if you mention it.

I'd never seen them like that before. And I started to wonder, what if they were that happy because… I wasn't there?

I don't know how long I stood there, just watching them. All I know is, when I tried to move, my left leg had gone completely dead. Like, _completely._ I hit the floor with a thud.

"OW!" _Why does this keep happening to me?_

I sat up and looked into the kitchen. The noise I made falling over made Leo jump and knock Don's arm, making Don spill his coffee on Raph. Now they were glaring at me again. I'd wrecked everything… again.

They're better off without me. I know what I have to do now.


End file.
